diaper cream for shitty times

me again! + a few revelations

Hey You,

By now, I hope it’s become abundantly clear that this newsletter is a spontaneous, ADHD + Anxiety fueled fever dream and if that’s not your jam… I bid you farewell and Godspeed trying to unsubscribe from Substack…..

For the rest of you, Welcome Back! I wish I was coming in hot with a big piece to really kick this spring season off, but as of late, I’m like a helium balloon fourteen days after the party. So tired, shriveled, bobbing aimlessly in a corner, snorting lines of dust and praying no one kicks me too hard. 

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I’ve been playing phone tag with my joy for the past six+ months, and while I knowww she loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy and blah blah blah, she’s also been force feeding my insecure attachment big time with her inconsistencies. My joy will occasionally send me a “I miss you! Let’s catch up!” text, but then when I call her it immediately goes to voicemail and she writes back 300 hours later, “Bahh so sorry just seeing you called, crazy week!” and I honestly don’t expect anything from her anymore, which might be the saddest part about our relationship. 

Ugh sorry, I really thought this would be a more positive post. If it helps, I have had some micro moments lately, where I’ve just felt like ahh okay yep, this is living. I get it! And I hate to admit this, but I feel my best when I accept that the world may literally end in a few years, give or take. When I stop trying to control other people and just focus on controlling my breath. When I hold my son’s hand and we watch a caterpillar in our yard safely cross from one leaf to another. When my husband laugh cries at anything. When I witness complete strangers being decent to each other. When I use my grapefruit scrub in the shower. When I watch a hilarious/dumb tiktok. When I floss for twenty days straight. 

Lately, I’ve been keeping a chaotic list on my phone entitled, “Revelations/Thoughts/Ideas/Musings.” I wish I was the kind of person who had my “aha” moments while immersed in nature or after a deep meditation, but let’s be real… 98% of these thoughts come to me while I’m sitting on the toilet. I guess it makes sense, right? Are we not our most honest and vulnerable while shitting? At least for me, sitting on the toilet is the most peaceful part of my day. Sometimes I’m reflecting on concepts that I’ve already encountered and want to distill further, other times I’m a legit genius and thinking these up all by myself. Either way, I wanted to share the ones that I keep coming back to these days. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.

• Every worthwhile experience requires compromise of some sort – it’s all a question of how much you’re willing to compromise yourself and your spirit to reach some sense of balance and peace. 

• It’s always the truth in the thing that makes it stick and resonate. 

• I’m not afraid to believe in things – in myself, in the world, in others. 

• Giving and receiving is the economy of our souls (to be honest, I heard this one somewhere but I can’t remember who said it, so if it was you, please take full credit)

• By ourselves, we are very unreliable narrators. 

• I do not belong everywhere, but I am striving to belong in spaces worthy of my belonging. In spaces that want me and see me there. Of finding others who believe in my full magic – that is where I want to be and belong. 

• When someone is going through something difficult, maybe the kindest words we can offer is, “I wish you the best, because this is a motherfucking struggle” (said by my very wise friend, Wendy)

• I want to radically live as myself and see who comes with me and who doesn’t. 

• Grief is a portal into truth – and it closes over time.

• Great writing is a distillation of a feeling. 

• Without talking about “hard things” (aka uncomfortable topics) we are not being honest – and without honesty there is distrust, or worse, no trust. 

• No one has their shit together. Often times it’s just a fluke that something works and so we just keep doing it that way. 

• My fear of judgment comes from my OWN self judgments. Wowwwww.

• Don’t take life so seriously. Le duhhhh. 

• Death is the first contract we make with our first breath (got this from the Psychedelic Today, “End of Life Care & Psychedelics” episode, that I listened to, while sitting on the shitter)

• I feel more and more certain that learning how to accept impermanence and be grateful for the time we do have here IS the work of life. 

• Pain is clever and has major stamina. 

• People with anxiety are some of the most creative people in the world – without fail, we come up with the most original, elaborate fantasies, over and over again.

• Insecurity is loud, confidence is quiet. 

• I like being around people who I don’t think are going to judge me. 

• Attention and consistency are the currencies of love. 

Welp! That’s all I’ve got today.

Talk to ya when I talk to ya.

Love,

Jesse

image by Crocodile Jackson