heart opener for when the world is crumbling

few words, many conflicting feels

Hi you,

I know it’s been way too long since I last wrote. I’ve been feeling a lot like this over the past 6 months. 

But as fragile and scared as my heart feels right now, it has been relentless in its call to share itself more. So here goes, a messy, imperfect, all over the place, little love letter from my aching heart to yours:

First and most importantly, please invest in staying human right now. We have become so desensitized, as a people, to death and destruction, it’s no wonder many believe the false illusion that our hearts are like faucets we should turn on and off for conservation; as if our compassion is some conditional entity that will rust if we let too much of it flow freely right now. 

The messages we have received over the past twelve days are filtered through broken hearts and broken promises. None of this is new, but the way information is being shared is so intense and overwhelming right now, that any act of staying informed requires heavy armor. I also want to validate anyone feeling terrified. Regardless of what side your beliefs fall, it is absolutely soul crushing to bear witness to this level of violence. 

When I’m feeling so lost and powerless like this, I eventually get a twinge from my heart, a gentle nudge that reminds me to keep finding reasons to love. It tenderly explains to me that oppression is a three-headed monster that feeds off of silence, division and helplessness. Oppression avoids thinking about consequences or accountability, because those two forces require care, and oppression is so unbelievably careless.

My heart reminds me that my very existence, as a Black, Mixed, Jewish, mother in the United States is a constant exercise in cradling the oppressor and oppressed within. That my 23andme —33% Sub-Saharan African, 66.9% European (50% Ashkenazi Jewish) — is a case study in the duality of colonization and independence; settler mindset and revolution; destruction and creation. There is no honest way to simplify or justify all parts of my existence.

And to be abundantly clear – just because I often choose to express joy, does not mean I am not often also carrying despair. For the past six months, I have been experiencing a deep, overpowering depression that has been relentless in its propaganda that my conflicting parts will never come together to make me whole. That my inner conflicts will never reach any form of resolution. That a sense of safety is only granted to my body if I am prepared to hide behind a white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchal facade of protection granted to me solely through my proximity to the dumbest manmade myth—whiteness. And while I know there is so much I have to be grateful for, my Blackness and Judaism both teach me that with critical thinking comes accountability, and to never forget the fragility of my privileges in an oppressive world. 

In therapy yesterday, I told my therapist, “Not to be dramatic or anything, but I feel like my entire life is a perpetual state of never-ending confusion.” I went on to explain that I don’t know how to be a highly sensitive being in a world that demands I harden myself. That I am so confused by how softness is constantly seen as weakness, and it feels like there are fewer and fewer spaces where tenderness and care are celebrated. That to be fully myself is to inevitably offend someone, and that it’s better to avoid, retreat and ignore my feelings in times of suffering.

My therapist, a beacon of inspiration for me to say “fuck em” and live my life on my own terms, encouraged me to replace the word confusion with curiosity. Confusion is a symptom that makes us feel like we can’t think clearly, while curiosity, she explained, allows us to see the world as a place with infinite potential and possibility. 

As a therapist, it would be unethical for me (although plenty do) to sit here and manipulate you into feeling something that does not feel aligned for you. We also live in such a heterogeneous society, it would be impossible for us all to share the exact same opinions about what is happening and what should be done. And if I’m being fully honest, I am still in a process of educating myself and forming a solid belief system about all that has taken place past and present. I’m embarrassed to admit that— that I still don’t know what I fully believe, because I think it sounds like a convenient excuse. And that translates to me being spineless, like I’m trying to find the easy way to slink out the back. And of course, because this is how my psyche works (ugh), any fragments in my thinking directly translate to fragments in my being — I am all of a sudden not rooted enough in any parts of myself to lay claim to anything but isolation.

And yet, there goes my heart again. It really does show up for me, time and time again, when I am at my most vulnerable. My heart is encouraging me to share that it is okay not to know. That there are always others who will help pick up the pieces of me, non-judgmentally; that there are others who really, truly care. It is asking for everyone reading this, to check in with your hearts today. To take a moment of quiet, of breathing, of re-connection. If this exercise of heart opening is an unfamiliar practice for you, here’s a place to start (courtesy of Deepak Chopra)

1. Begin by sitting in a comfortable position and close your eyes.

2. For just this moment, let go of your thoughts and the outside world.

3. Focus your attention on your spiritual heart center, in the middle of your chest, and be aware of your heart as a space. The heart center is a point of awareness where feelings enter. In its essence, the heart is pure emptiness, pervaded by peace and a subtle light. This light may appear as white, gold, pale pink, or blue. But don’t strain to find a light of any kind. All you need to feel is whatever is there.

4. Resting your attention easily on your heart center, breathe gently and sense your breath flowing into your heart. You may want to visualize a soft, pastel light or coolness pervading the chest.

5. Let your breath go in and out, and as it does, ask your heart what it needs to say. Don’t phrase this as an order; just have the faint intention that you want your heart to express itself.

6. For the next 5 or 10 minutes, sit and listen. Your heart will begin to release emotions, memories, wishes, fears, and dreams long stored inside. As it does, you will find yourself paying attention.

7. You may have a flash of strong emotion—positive or negative—or a forgotten memory. Your breathing may change. You may gasp, sigh, or feel tears come into your eyes. Let the experience be what it is. If you daydream or drift off into sleep, don’t worry. Just bring your attention back to your heart center.

If you’re having mixed feelings about any of the atrocities happening right now, you’re in good company. I’m here if anyone wants to connect and process anything. I promise to listen with compassion and speak from my heart, and all I ask is that you offer the same care in return. 

With love, 

Jesse