I don't want to be preggo no more
to the tune of Rob Thomas' biggest solo chart success, "Lonely No More"
Happy New Year!*
How’s everyone doing…………? WHAT A YEAR IT HAS BEEN, FOLKS. I’ll spare you with the 2021 recaps because well… it was a pretty depressing year! Whenever I start feeling down about the past year, my Pollyanna side chirps in with an upbeat “But wait! 2021 is the year you got pregnant!” and I’m filled with a slight tinge of joy and then… more depression.
You see, dear reader, I haven’t really enjoyed being pregnant. God DAMN does that feel relieving to get off/out of my uterus. I’m sorry if my words hurt you. I’ve been so scared to directly admit this because I know there are so many people who fight tooth and nail to become pregnant and that it truly is a miraculous experience for so many. But… that’s not my truth. My truth is: this shit has been really really... overwhelming. And not that fun for me.
Maybe it was getting pregnant in a pandemic. Maybe it was getting pregnant the moment my career was finally, sort of, starting to take shape. Maybe it was getting pregnant before I was fully prepared to be. Maybe it was stopping all medications (plant and pharmaceutical) and just going for it. Maybe it was getting pregnant before getting settled into a home. Maybe it was getting pregnant before establishing a robust sense of community. Maybe it was getting pregnant in the midst of Roe v. Wade being overturned. Maybe it was getting pregnant when Black maternal health statistics are terrifying. Maybe it was getting pregnant when many of my close friends are in completely different life stages from me. Maybe it was getting pregnant in the midst of other identity crises I’ve been having. Maybe, for me, it was just… getting pregnant.
Pregnancy has activated many fears that have remained dormant in my system for some time, just waiting for the right moment to be born. Fears of inadequacy (thanks a lot, mommies on Instagram). Fears of scarcity (thanks a lot, Judaism). Fears of losing myself completely (thanks a lot, ego). And the one fear that continues to keep me up at night? Fear Of Failure. DUN DUN DUN. What if I fail at becoming a mom? (aka being able to successfully birth a baby) or I fail at being a mom? (aka… stepping into motherhood gracefully). I hate to admit this, but here we are: I have internalized a warped idea of womanhood that is directly tied to becoming a mother. To doing the thing (birth) my body is *supposed* to *do* so *naturally*. Of having a motherly instinct, whatever the hell that means. Of enjoying every second of this journey from start to finish, because, well, that’s just what mothers do, right?!?!
Be honest: are you offended by what I’m saying re: pregnancy and motherhood? If so, you’re completely entitled to that feeling. However, my new year’s intention (resolutions are too much pressure) is to stop explaining myself for the comfort of others. So I guess we’re both just going to have to sit with our discomfort. Mine also includes groin pain, indigestion and sciatica with a side of crippling generalized anxiety and tendonitis in both hands :)
And I want to be clear (for myself, mostly) that despite all of my fears, I am still so excited to meet this baby. I don’t believe in the slightest that my pregnancy being mehhh is any reflection of who this tiny human is, or the immense love I somehow already feel for him. Those feelings I am certain of. I know, in part, that I care about him deeply, because I worry about his wellbeing constantly. And a big part of my being impatient with the pregnancy process is because I just want him to be here, already! Am I now trying to explain myself and reassure you that I want to be a mom, despite really not enjoying pregnancy? Perhaps. As I mentioned, I’m pretty overwhelmed in all of this, so I’m just going to have to live with my feelings being complicated right now. And I also want to make space for all of those people out there who just…. don’t enjoy being parents. Not because they have a mental health condition, like post-partum depression or anything like that, but just because… they just don’t like it. That is okay, too. Speaking of… have you seen The Lost Daughter on Netflix? Let’s talk about it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, this pregnancy has been tough. And while I’m not fully ready, per se, for parenthood, I’m going to dive in, feelings first, into the deep end. I have no idea what awaits me on the other side, but I guess that’s life. Because when you think about it, no one really knows what they’re doing, and yet, here we are, continuing to survive, despite it all.
*I know we’ve already reached the statute of limitation on saying Happy New Year, but c’est la vie, baby
artwork by Liana Finck
Preach, Mama! Enough with the mommy-policing (looking at you, social media and folx who offer unsolicited "advice") and how things are "supposed to be." Pregnancy-birth-postpartum-motherhood are all HARD and fraught, especially because of the policing. This is YOUR journey and it's going the way it's going. 'Nuff said. xoxo