what now?

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

oh hello!

remember me??? I know it’s been a hot minute. I meant to write to you. I really did. But to be completely honest, the thought of forming sentences and putting them out into the universe made my skin ache.

I guess you could say I’m in a major transition period. Yeah, that seems accurate. I’m coming off of 5+ years of clinical psychology blood, sweat and tears. That’s right honey, we are officially DONE with grad school and internship. And while it will likely take 5 more years of therapy to unpack the shit show that was getting a doctorate in clinical psychology, I can’t deny it offered me aclear structure, schedule and easy story to tell others. These days, whenever someone asks me “what’s next for your career?” I give a vague description of some future ideas I haven’t really given any thought to. It feels pretty jarring not exactly knowing what’s next.

Over the years, I’ve learned that I’m pretty horrendous with change. Good or bad changes, I don’t discriminate. If a change is on the horizon, you can be sure I’m retreating and withdrawing and searching desperately for the spell to stop time.

I have this *condition* where the more exciting things are happening in my life, the more freaked out I become. It’s like, all of a sudden I realize how much more there is to lose, or something like that. And then good ol’ reliable self-doubt kicks in, and together with fear they trauma bond over all the potential worst case scenarios.

like what?

Well….

  • always falling short on my full potential

  • not even knowing what my full potential is so I can never live up to it. does that make sense?

  • not making any sense

  • a slow abandonment burn by everyone I love

  • not trusting my gut

  • losing precious time

  • starting over again and again and again

  • becoming irrelevant

  • having people try to cheer me up when all I want them to do is listen

  • being replaced by an upgraded model

  • feeling stuck in the mud

  • getting walked all over

  • feeling confused about what’s to come

  • not moving fast enough, and perpetually being in a state of falling behind

  • being placed on the back burner by others and left to simmer there…forever…

  • feeling constantly bored

  • feeling permanently misunderstood

Like my career plans post-grad, I really don’t know where I’m taking this post, and I’m trying to ease into the incompleteness of that right now. However… if anyone has any ideas for where to take things from here, I’m all ears.

with love,

Jesse