Cue Jack Nicholson’s “here’s johnny” voice except replace here’s johnny with “iiiiiii’m pregnant!”

That’s right, folks. It’s instagram and substack official! I am 21 weeks pregnant and currently housing a “baby bok choy” fetus according to my incredibly corny/dramatic pregnancy app.

Without going too deep into the gory details, I thought I’d share how we got here because I can’t really think of anything else to write/talk about right now. I’ve got babies on my miiiiind.

I found out I was (unplanned :)) pregnant the morning of my graduation from my doctorate program in clinical psychology. You can’t make this shit up. So while friends and family were trying to force feed me champagne at the make-shift reception in my parents’ backyard, I was casually tossing it over my shoulders when no one was looking. I felt…. so weird. And then a few weeks later during my 8-week ultrasound, when I recounted this graduation/procreation story to one of the nurses and she lovingly called me “Doctor Mom!” I threw up in my mouth.

In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m going through some major identity shifts that are pretty overwhelming at the moment. I oscillate between feeling so excited to terrified to confused to out of my body to excited again. And when that well-meaning nurse called me Doctor Mom it triggered a fear I have around motherhood that in a traditional cis-het couple like the one I’m in, once a woman becomes a mother her identity collapses into only being a capital M, Mom. Am I oversimplifying all of this? Of course. Am I looking at very narrow, superficial, outdated models of motherhood? You bet. But that’s where my head is at right now, and I want to be honest with you about my feelings because maybe, just maybe, someone here can relate. Ya know?

I’ve made a commitment to myself to push against my urge to plow ahead and take some time digesting my feelings. So that’s where I am. There is so much more to write about, but I have to pee for the 40th time this morning, so the rest will have to wait.

I’m pregnant and now that I’ve shared this news with you, you’re pregnant too. Congrats!

with love,

Jesse

baby steps

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